A Beautiful Letdown

We have all felt the feeling before.  We end the day, tired, disappointed in ourselves, wishing we had done or could have done more (or perhaps both).  There is an emptiness that never seems filled, that hole we keep open for our unfulfilled expectations for our frail, human selves.  We are an impossibly hard to please bunch!

And yet, we are all a Beautiful Letdown.  Nothing that we ever do will be ENOUGH - and the fact that we are dissatisfied with ourselves is an indication of how much we need Christ.  We are always searching for something MORE.  And that MORE must always come from Christ's abilities, NOT our own abilities!

So often we find reasons to be disappointed in ourselves, because we don't meet our own expectations.  What about the expectations of Christ?  What about the things that He wishes us to accomplish with our days, and what about His knowledge of our weaknesses, our failings, the things that we hold onto and the things we so easily let slide?  We are children of God, and as children of God, we must sacrifice our own pride and expectations in order to accomplish the greatness He has planned for us.

To illustrate this point, I want to tell you the story of a young boy you might know.  He grew up in Poland during a time of political turmoil, and he loved Christ with all his heart.  He loved football, and he even dabbled briefly in the field of library science and theatre, working as a playwright.  But he loved Christ more than even all this, and felt a call to the priesthood.  This little boy could have become a football player, or a writer, or a librarian, but he followed God's call to something I'm sure he felt was much bigger than himself.  This little boy was Karol Jozef Wojtyla, and would later become Pope John Paul II.  How would the world be different if he had instead held onto the expectations he had for himself, and pursued a career as a football player, or a librarian?

We are all Beautiful Letdowns, at one point or another.  Rather than focusing on how we have failed to be what we expect ourselves to be, let us focus on how we are accomplishing what God intends for us to be.  It may very well be that the "Letdown" we see in the mirror is God's beloved child, accomplishing His will with an artful grace, even though we may not realize it.

The Band Perry and the Lady of Shalott

One of my latest song obsessions is called, "If I Die Young," by The Band Perry.  Admittedly, the song is fairly depressing, as it talks about death at a young age.  At the same time, though, the lyrics are fascinatingly beautiful: "If I die young, bury me in satin / lay me down on a bed of roses / sink me in the river at dawn / send me away with the words of a love song." Click here for a Youtube video of the song. Who wouldn't want that kind of a send-off?

I decided to investigate the song, as I was wondering why a hit song would be written about such a topic.  I discovered, in my investigation, that the song was based on a Tennyson poem, called "The Lady of Shalott."  There is a copy of the poem here, for those of you who are interested.  The poem is about a woman held up in a tower in Shalott, forever weaving a tapestry based on the image she sees from her mirror, pointed out the window at the countryside below.  She cannot turn around to look directly at her beautiful town of Shalott, or else she will be cursed.  So, she remains, staring into the mirror day after day, weaving her tapestry.

That is, until Lancelot.

One day, Sir Lancelot (of Arthurian legend) comes riding through the countryside on horseback, and the Lady of Shalott is forced to turn around to gaze at him.  As the curse comes upon her, she decides to leave her tower, and lowers herself out the window.  She finds a boat, gets into it, and starts floating down the river toward Sir Lancelot.  She dies as the boat carries her downstream, and when Sir Lancelot and his Knights find her peacefully lying in the boat, Sir Lancelot says, "She has a lovely face; God in his mercy lend her grace, The Lady of Shalott."  Wow - some poem!

Sir Lancelot's dashing appearance onto the scene forced the Lady of Shalott to turn around from her tapestry and mirror, and look directly out at the countryside.  Don't you wish that such beauty would appear in your life?  A gallantly beautiful horse, a handsome hero.  Surely death was a small price to pay for such a truly beautiful moment, after a lifetime of shadows!

My favorite line of the poem comes after the Lady of Shalott saw two lovers in the field below.  She says, "I am half sick of shadows" as she muses on them below, living their lives, while she seems forever trapped in the prison cell of her tower, for fear of the curse.  It seems to reflect a lot of the fear in our own lives.  We get so caught up in weaving our own lives, afraid of being cursed with hurt and failure, afraid of dying to our own desires.  We refuse to turn around and actually stare life in the face, to see it on God's terms, as He meant for us to see it.  We refuse to take that leap of faith because we know that life means pain, and fully living life means fully dealing with the consequences and emotions and daily battles.  Many of us find it much easier to sit weaving away our tapestry in a tall tower, removed from it all.  

So, we often find ourselves at the loom of life, weaving away at a tapestry, keeping us distracted from reality.  We weave the life that we see in the mirror, letting other people tell us what the countryside of our lives should look like.  But what worth does life have if we cannot savor its beauty, stare it in the face?  My grandfather had a saying in Italian: better a day as a lion than one hundred days as a lamb.  In essence, better the life fully lived than one not lived at all.

So, when I hear the lyrics of the song, "Gather up your tears / keep them in your pocket. / Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them," I think of all the lives that have lived without ever having seen the kind of beauty I have known.  It's then that I realize that the tears aren't for death or loss, but for people who never knew love, or beauty.  The tears are for the people who never turned around to look directly out the window, who were never so stunned by the beauty of God that they were at a loss for words.  The people who remain in that state, captivated by this beauty, don't feel the fear of being cursed.  They understand the freedom of living life to the fullest, and the futility of living in a world of mirrors.  If the price we pay for beauty is death, then we are well-served to take the risk and pay the price.  Otherwise, we die without ever having truly lived.

In the Love of Christ through Mary,

Christina :)

The Romance of Christ

I have been thinking a lot about the intersection between faith and relationship lately.  The desires of our hearts seem so far removed from our realities sometimes - there is always a piece of the puzzle missing, and we struggle to reconcile the hope of Heaven with the difficulties of earth.  Women struggle so much with the search for love on earth - finding that "special someone" to complete us, defend us, preserve us.  We want to be loved, and to love fully in return.

And then, there is Jesus.

If there was ever a man to fall head-over-heels in love with, it's Christ, first and foremost.  It is so SAFE and BEAUTIFUL to give all of ourselves to Him!  He is the ultimate Lover, gracious, kind, giving, attentive, courteous, strong, forever seeking, forever loving.  Why does it surprise women that we are not satisfied by anything less than a man who imitates Him?  Everything in our soul cries out for the love of Christ, for the love of the God and Man who laid His life down to rescue us.  Our hearts pine and yearn and thirst for this kind of love - self-sacrificial, whole, complete and beautiful.  The Passion and Death of Our Lord, who died for us, serves as a fitting testament to the depth of this love.  How could we stand for anything less, when we have already tasted the sweetest of the fruits of love?

So many women feel the loneliness, shame, and heartbreak that comes from wounds and attachments they have suffered in relationships.  Women fight to discover that love they have searched for so ardently, the one that they pray for with their whole beings.  Yet, our battle is counterproductive: seeking rather than allowing ourselves to be sought, trying to discover love in men rather than men in love, making plans rather than letting God take care of it.  What a silly way to go about letting God direct our lives, and what a silly way to let Him bring to us the man He has kept for us all this time!

To take a valuable lesson from the Song of Songs, "I adjure you, do not arouse, do not stir up love before its own time."  The only love that can ever fully satisfy our hearts is that of Christ, who teaches us how to be TRUE women of God.  As women, we crave respect, fidelity, attention - someone to confirm our hope that we are precious, beautiful, worth seeking.  Rather than seeking that love among men, it is our job to discover the seeking love of Christ.  He pursues us day and night, moment by moment, hoping He will win our hearts and our undying love.  He has been burning with this love for us, waiting for us to answer His Call all along - the passion of a lifetime is the romance of Christ!

The best romantic movies, to me, are the ones where the female half of a pair of long-time friends suddenly discovers that the male friend has always had feelings for her.  The woman is often surprised (although the audience often is not...) that this man could care about her like that.  And she often ends up making a decision to go for another man, which she later rescinds in favor of this lovestruck best friend.  She realizes in the end that true love is something we are given, often something that is right under our nose.  It is not something that we can make ourselves.  We can't treat our love life like a cookie recipe for true love - take one guy, make sure he fits certain standards, add in two parts romance, one part emotional attachment, one part attraction, and a touch of idealism...  It simply doesn't work.  Real love, the kind that lasts a lifetime, is something we are offered, something we are given freely and fully.  Real love is a man conforming to the Will and grace offered by God.  Real love is something that requires no convincing, no solicitation - just a patient, womanly heart that is willing to wait in silence.

I find Christ completely analogous to that lovestruck best friend.  Christ has been my best friend for so long, and knows everything about me.  He was there when we were kids, growing up together.  He knows my every thought, what makes me laugh and what makes me cry.  He knows all my secrets, my passions, my longings, the wounds from my past.  He has loved me the whole time He has known me, in the hope that one day I might feel the same way for Him, always thinking of how He will win me over, how He can do what is best for me.  He has been pursuing me my entire life, sending roses, birthday presents, and "I love you's" in the form of beautiful silences filled with peacefulness, joy and happiness that carries over to others, grace-filled friends, an amazing family, moments of sadness, moments of wonder, moments of confusion and pain, and moments of clarity.  All of it is a calling to share our hearts with Christ, because His love for us never yields, and always seeks our love in return.

With a love like that, how can we feel anything but blessed, even in the darkest of times?  And, when that "right one" comes along, shouldn't we expect nothing less than the best?  After all, He has loved us with an everlasting love, and He is the one who will bring us that special someone to love us completely with His own love.

In the Love of Christ through Mary,

Christina :)

There's a (Good) Reason for Everything...

What a radical Gospel it was that Christ preached!  He told us of His Father, in Heaven, who loved us all even through sin!  He showed to us His Mother, who was to become Our Mother, and who was to have each of us as Her child!  He demonstrated for us the ULTIMATE act of love for us, the most perfect expression of complete self-sacrifice that this world has ever seen!  And yet, too often we lack the trust to understand: He only desires everything GOOD for us!

We struggle with so many different things!  We worry about how we will pay the bills, or get the job, or find the guy, or seize the moment, or even please the Lord!  We get depressed and hopeless about our tendencies to sin, take them as horrible proclivities toward evil that cannot be altered without great difficulty, and become frustrated with our own inability to change.  Sound familiar?  It sounds all too familiar to me!  And yet, He ONLY DESIRES EVERYTHING GOOD FOR US!

What does this mean?  This means that every inclination, every emotion, every EVERYTHING He gives us is meant to draw us closer to Him.  The catch?  When we direct all those gifts towards something OTHER than Christ, other than our God made Flesh.  Then, the gifts become twisted in unrecognizable ways, disturbingly lacking in peace and the joy that Christ has brought us through His Resurrection.

Think about it: take any proclivity toward sin you can think of.  Covetousness.  One is so envious of another's land, or their wealth, or their wife!  Yet, directed toward God, that WANT of something BEAUTIFUL is fulfilled!  God offers us all we desire, AND MORE.  We simply need to orient that GIFT that He has given us of IMMENSE desire for something beautiful, precious, and priceless towards HIM!

Or, take addiction.  Addictive tendencies, directed toward God, give us abounding recourse to Him, all the time!  Take judgment of others.  A thirst for righteousness and justice, directed at self-reflection as Christ calls us to do ("remove the log in your own eye before trying to remove the splinter in your brother's eye!"), is beautiful and humbling in ways that cannot be achieved otherwise for certain personalities.  Take feelings of sadness, or emptiness, or loneliness, or doubt: directed toward God, we find everything we could ever need, and we discover that He was the answer all along to our supposed "problem"; and that that "problem" actually ended up bringing us closer to Him.

We've all heard the story: "In the end, it was a GOOD thing that this tragedy happened: I ended up trusting in God, or learning from Him, or growing in Faith."  Everyone has a story like that, either from themselves, a friend, a family member, or even an acquaintance or friend of a friend.  What would the world be like if we recognized the CHRIST in all our supposed "difficulties"?  Christ died on the Cross so that we could be free of sin - not so that we could nail ourselves with our own self-condemnation, but so that we could recognize that He has taken the world's sins onto His back, has had them driven into His Hands and His Feet, and has saved us from all evil.

God can never bring us anything but Blessings of Goodness, even when those Blessings may appear to be difficult.  Just change the angle at which you are viewing the Gift: you may find it to be stunningly beautiful. :)

May we pray that, for today, we thank Him for everything He gives to us.  May we recognize God's beauty in everything we see, and know the difference between things that are of God and of the evil one.  Grant us a discerning mind, Lord, to be always present in You, and recognize Your Presence in us.  May we, like Our Blessed Virgin Mother, meditate on Your Goodness day and night, and never be parted from Your Love.  May our hearts rejoice in the knowledge of Your Goodness, and thank You and praise You all the days of our lives!  May we always praise You, for You "make all things new" in You!

In the Love of Christ through Mary,
Christina :)

The Body of Christ

Us human beings are tricky creatures to figure out. We're made in God's Adorable Image, yet we are sinful, and have a part of us comprised of original sin. We are loving, kind, and generous, but we can also be hateful, spiteful, and stingy. We have the capacity to do infinite good - or infinite evil. Where do we lie on the scales of justice? How do we figure out our tricky, tricky nature?

Our nature seeks complete and total union with God. It seeks to unite itself more closely to the Father in Heaven we all know in the depths of our hearts and souls. Yet, there is always a piece of us that is linked to earth, that draws us away from God: original sin. What's the deal here?

Oftentimes, when people sin, a common excuse can be "the devil made me do it," or "X person made me do it." But what about us, hm? When is it that we assign responsibility for our actions to ourselves, that we give ourselves part of the blame for the wrongdoing we face in our own sinfulness?

We ARE the hands and feet of Christ on earth! Every time we receive the Eucharist, we receive Christ into ourselves, so that it is no longer US who is living, but HIM in us. We choose our own actions - either to glorify or to hinder Christ's working in and through us. But, either way, Christ WILL work through us - He uses even our SINS for own own good! Everything that we give to Him, He accepts, because He is Infinite Love!

So, what happens when we give Christ free reign of our soul? Beautiful things. :) Even though we are sinful, even though we have this dark, dark part of our souls capable of so much worse, choosing to do good instead of evil brings us that much closer to God. God is all-powerful - yet He is infinite love! God is all-mighty - yet He is infinite gentleness! God is completely strong and infinite - yet He is completely small and weak in Christ! What a mystery of a God! And how better to live in the Image of God Himself than as beings capable of destroying, yet using that power to create instead! Beings that are capable of hating, loving instead! Beings that are capable of hurting, healing instead! What a beautiful, marvelous gift we have been given in being given the power to choose, and the freedom to make the correct decision, as God always does, because God is pure love!

Yes, we do have bad in us - but God is overwhelmingly good! We cannot forget in the battle to master ourselves that GOD HAS ALREADY WON AGAINST SIN AND DEATH! The battle has ended! We only need look to the Cross for our redemption in everything, for the hope in our despair! God will guide us if only we hope and trust in Him, if we really believe that His Love endures and pervades throughout our entire lives.

Let us ask for the love that 1 Corinthians 13 speaks of - not just for others, but also in gratitude for the gift of our selves in Christ!!!!

In the Love of Christ through Mary,
Christina :)

Holy Daring

It's officially springtime, and so much is happening! Students are preparing to graduate from schools everywhere at all different levels (high school, college, graduate school!), First Holy Communions are taking place, Confirmation ceremonies are happening! It's a time of new beginnings, turning a new page in our lives, and starting new (and often scary!) pursuits!

Many times, our initial reaction is one of fear. There is so much ahead of us that challenges us in any given situation - and we are so imperfect! Our desires are so great! How are we to ever to accomplish all that has been placed in our hearts? But, these fears are met with the power of Christ's Truth: if God has placed a desire in our hearts, He has placed it there for a reason, and will grant to us all that He has promised us.


Now, don't get me wrong: this requires great faith to trust in God enough to know that He's going to keep His Word. But WOW - when He decides to grant us, bit by bit, those desires of our hearts - WOW! He does NOT disappoint!

This is where holy daring comes in. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that we're highly imperfect. More and more every day, we become aware of ways in which we are less and less deserving of God's love. It is humbling and humiliating (humiliating often being a great source of humility!) to watch our opinions of ourselves crumble into dust. But, isn't that what we are actually made of? Isn't that the real truth of our condition? And isn't God's Love the only thing that TRULY gives us value? Blessed is the man who recognizes that it is not by his OWN worth that he earns the Love of God (who can earn God's love?!), but by the worth and love of GOD HIMSELF, showed to man by Jesus Christ! We have to trust that THIS is our portion, that THIS is our value, so our mistakes are null and void. God is our value if only we accept Him. God's love is all that He says it is, and that's that. We simply have to DARE to trust Him, to stick our necks out and courageously face ourselves (our own numerous imperfections!) and our world with infinite FAITH in His ability to love and care for us!

We can't do anything alone. We were not made for ourselves, but rather for God. We will always be missing something if we don't fill our lives with Christ. And yet, in serving Him, in seeking Him and giving up all that we knew in the courageous and daring pursuit of the deepest desires of our hearts, how can we fail with that kind of faith in Him? Even as He moves in us, we move in Him, and our lives are forever transformed by our encounter with Christ. There is no fear in Him, only love. THAT is the deepest desire of our hearts, after all - love.

So, as all of us start these new pursuits in our lives, let us remain confident in Christ, that although we may not know what we are doing, we may be unsure of ourselves and anxious of the future, that we may balance those feelings that are NOT of God with GOD HIMSELF, confident in trust in Him and hoping for EVERYTHING from Him who has promised us everything. We cannot fail in Christ.

I was recently thinking about the new job I will be starting this summer as a legal assistant. The work involves looking up information for memos and writing down requirements for visa applications, all of which I have never done before. It's scary to go into unexplored territory! Yet, armed with Christ, given the sword of His Word, we can conquer anything that we may come up against! It is this hope, rather than confidence in our own abilities to overcome our shortcomings, that drives us to always seek God, to praise Him and to know Him, and to FIND Him!

I recently read and fell in love with Ephesians 6:10-20:

"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all (the) flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and supplication, pray at every opportunity in the Spirit. To that end, be watchful with all perseverance and supplication for all the holy ones and also for me, that speech may be given me to open my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel for which I am an ambassador in chains, so that I may have the courage to speak as I must."

We cannot truthfully go into battle unprotected and expect to make it through unwounded. Our lives are a battle against ourselves, and you cannot use self-defense against yourself. We must put on the armor of Our Lord's righteousness and truth, holding faith as a shield, and wielding the Word of God as our sword. Any other attempt at protecting ourselves in battle is like using a Halloween soldier costume as armor in battle - plastic does not a good defense make! Why would we settle for anything less than the best when our lives are on the line?

May today we live our lives not in fear of sin, but rather in the hope and confidence that comes from faith in God. May our paths be made straight, our hearts be made clean, and our voices praise Him always! May our day be filled with joy as we struggle, peace as we are attacked, and infinite faith, hope, and love in God as we discover our weaknesses. May we not run away from all the battles we face, even the ones against ourselves, that we may seek to find Our Lord EVERYWHERE. And may we offer up the fruits of these struggles to others, as we seek to give away more and more of ourselves every day, dying to our own sinful nature, and confident in the steady climb to the top of the heights of the desires that God has placed in our hearts!

In the Love of Christ through Mary,
Christina :)

Simplicity of Trust and Faith in God

Life ain't easy. There's always something competing for our attention (work, school, the computer, friends, family, emotions, etc.). We're always occupied by something. Why can't that something be God? Why can't that something be the good works of Christ?

I recently went on retreat and was fascinated, yet again, by my response to the simple rooms of the retreat house. There was a sink, some shelving by the sink, a bed, a small nightside table, a simple plastic writing desk, and a rocking chair. And I would have been completely happy living there the rest of my life! Something about the simplicity, the joyful lack of complication and other STUFF, was so utterly beautiful and holy!

I thought to myself how much I needed to declutter my room at home. I am a pack-rat, and have so much stuff squirreled away in drawers. Yet, "He instructed them to take nothing for the journey but a walking stick-no food, no sack, no money in their belts." (Mark 6:8). Why do we insist on bringing so much stuff with us on our journey with Christ?

There is a certain comfort one has about having things. Little kids have blankies, adults carry books and work with them everywhere they go. Yet, Christ asks us to love Him and Him alone. It is so easy to focus on all the STUFF - whether it's stuff we have to do, things that make us anxious, worried, or afraid, anything! The simplicity of Christ is the joy and peace of our heart - pure and unadulterated LOVE!

Imagine how simple life would be if we only focused on God. Car trouble? No problem! God is good! Family issues? No worries! God is good! Everything must be done for our benefit and for our good, because God is surely love, and therefore nothing can harm us! What a powerful, powerful realization to make and internalize!!! :)

And all of it is simple faith. Pure trust and hope-filled love of God. What mountains we could move with such a faith, what barriers we could break through! Simplicity breeds love of Christ and others! Why don't we try praying to Him a bit more instead of going online as a meaningless diversion for a few hours at a time? Why don't we try giving away that clothing we never wear instead of keeping it around for doomsday? Why don't we try disattaching ourselves from things that make us anxious, situations that we can't change, people that need time to heal? For it is only with this simple focus on God that we are able to accomplish ANYTHING in this world, and it is only that we are able to accomplish ANYTHING in this world by not focusing on this world. Tricky paradox, huh?

Let us pray that today we not allow all the distractions and temptations of this world to grab our attention! May we seek Christ always and everywhere, and follow Him with only a deep faith and trust! May we seek to, rather than embroiling ourself in conflicts and emotions, offer up all our cares and worries, fears and anxieties to Christ who died for our sins, so that we would not have to worry! Let us seek to proclaim the Gospel at all times, using words only if necessary, convinced that we are convinced that Christ is Lord through the incredible faith He has given to us!!! :)

In the Love of Christ through Mary,
Christina :)